So it is Christmas...

In my 28 years of being on this earth, I finally had a Christmas where I got to sleep in late and plan my own day. I like this...I like this a lot. *smiles*

Down to business! :-)

Okay, so let's take a crack at some of the Christmas songs that we sing and that we teach our children to sing. There aren't too many that bother me actually...Well, I guess if I REALLY wanted to I could make a stink about every song, but I'm not like that. Although, I do have request for a song that I totally wasn't thinking about but now that this person has put the song in my head, I HAVE to do it first!

Winter Wonderland:
(It starts off sweet. Describing a perfect and beautiful place but then...)

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
we'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
as we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
the plans that we've made,
walking in a winter wonderland.

Okay first of all, who is Parson Brown you ask. Well, I took the liberty and looked him up. Guess what? There IS NO Parson Brown, like an actor or a singer or an athelete. Parson is used to refer to a clergy man. So...These women are building a snowman in the image of a priest and forcing him to marry them. Hmmm....

Let's talk about this marriage. How desperate are you that you end up marrying a snowman? Where are all the men? Are these women SO hideous that they can't find a man to marry them? They had to build a man (in the image of a respected man of God) and then force him to marry them. I mean, the snowman didn't even have a chance to chill and um, since when do snowmen talk?! "And you can do the job while you're in town." Where the heck is the snowman going?! Is he going to say, "Ooops! Spring is approaching! I must go to the North Pole but I shall return!" Uh no. He's going to melt.

"Later on we'll conspire as we sit by the fire." First of all, simple rules of science have concluded that ice + heat = the physical state of the ice changing into water, but honestly that's not the part that cracks me up. Why are you conspiring with a snowman? Since the snowman is made after a clergy man, would it conspire? I think not! And um, how did you get the snowman to the crib? Why are you nuzzling up to a block of ice? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A REAL MAN IN YOUR CRIB?! Honestly, I'm single at this point, but I'm NOT so desperate that I need to build a fake man out of the snow and do things to him. Though, if I did...I think I would make that snowman in the image of...The Rock! But that would be too much snow and I think one of my friends would have tackled me because at that point I would have officially lost my darn mind!

There's one more line that bothers me:

"We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way"

Ummm...stereotype maybe? I'm not an Eskimo, but I'm pretty sure that NOT all Eskimos frolic and play. Does that writer of this song know ALL Eskimos? Exactly...

Moving on!!!

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep;
She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white;
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

The song should be called, "I saw Mommy cheating on Daddy."

Why is this little kid happy? I come from a single parent home but if I saw my mother cheating on my father, there will be some problems. Some serious serious problems.

Some might argue that the kid knew it was his father, but I say no. If the kid found out it was his father, that boy would have been upset because his parents lied to him and more upset that there wasn't a Santa. C'mon people and we are teaching our kids these song? "Son, if you ever see me kissing Santa, don't tell Daddy, just sit there and watch."

Is anyone else grossed out at that thought? I know I am. Let's look at the last 3 lines please.

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

I don't think Daddy would be laughing. Honestly, I think Daddy would be arrested that night if he found his wife kissing Santa Claus. Daddy would have hurled a few curse words at Mommy while hurting Santa Claus. There would be nothing cute about the situation. Yet, I see little kids singing this all the time. Even the Jackson 5 sang this song when they were younger. In the end Michael goes, "I'm gonna tell my daddy!" You darn tootin! Tell your Father! Your Mother is cheating! And what kind of behavior is this encouraging????

Mommy is giggling, kissing, and touching Santa and the little kid watches? Sounds like we have a little psycho in training.

But I digress...

This last song, I'm going to do piece by piece because it is utterly disturbing...lol.

Grandma Got ran over by a Reindeer:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer.
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
but as for me and grandpa we believe.
She'd been drinking too much eggnog,
and we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication, and she
staggered out the door into the snow.
When we found her Christmas morning,
at the scene of the attack,
she had hoof-prints on her forehead,
and incriminating Claus marks on her back.

First, Grandma is minding her own business and she's assaulted by reindeer, but what bothers me the most is Grandma is drunk. So she's drunk and going to get her meds. Uhhhh, since when can you take your meds with alcohol? If Grandma didn't die from the reindeer, she would have died from mixing medicine and alcohol! Are you kidding me? And why does Grandma have hoof prints on her forehead AND Claus marks on her back? Did they run Grandma over and then carried her body under them while they kept going? Did Santa get out and do something to Grandma so she wouldn't tell on him? Something is a bit suspicious here, doncha think?

Now we're all so proud of grandpa,
He's been taking this so well.
See him in there watching football,
drinking root beer and
playing cards with Cousin Mel.
It's not Christmas without Grandma,
All the family's dressed in black
and we just can't help but wonder:
Should we open up her gifts,
or send them back?
Send them back!!

Wait wait wait! Stop the presses!!!! So, everyone is proud of Grandpa. He just lost his wife to some freaky accident involving Santa and reindeer, but he's taking this so well? I think Grandpa is tied up in this conspiracy! He has some 20 year old chick waiting for him back at his house. Who sits there drinking root beer, watching football, and playing cards with Cousin Mel (who I think is also involved in this conspiracy, heck I think the ENTIRE family is involved) 1 day after losing your wife (or husband).

The ENTIRE family is dressed in black yet they are still openeing up gifts AND they are wondering if they should keep her gifts or send them back? WHO HAS CHRISTMAS WHEN THEIR LOVED ONE WAS BRUTALLY MURDERED? I think the writer of this song was seriously drunk or high when he wrote it. Oh but wait...There's more...

Now the goose is on the table
and the pudding made of fig
and the blue and silver candles
that would just have matched
the hair on grandma's wig.
I've warned all my
friends and neighbors
better watch out for yourselves,
they should never give a license
to a man who drives a sleigh
and plays with elves.

So um...Is it me, or are they still continuing on with Christmas? Seems to me like they are still having dinner. They are still um, celebrating...While Grandma's cold body is in the ground with a hoof print on her forehead and weird marks on her back. I think this family hired a wanna be Santa to run Grandma down. I think they got her drunk on purpose. That way, if the hired Santa didn't kill her, taking her meds with alcohol in her system would. Once Grandma dies, they continue on with Christmas...How cold and evil does THAT sound?!

But it's a Christmas classic.

That's it for my Christmas song rant. It appears that I have a new faithful reader I would like to say, "Welcome to my insanity Funkette!"

Until next time 4 faithful readers (I'm getting more faithful readers) and everyone one else...

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!!!