Do you love me Marilyn Jane?

So yesterday, which was Sunday, my mom and I decided to go shopping together. Well actually, she decided to treat me to a day of shopping and I don't know about you all but shopping is fun...but when it's free...it's OFF DA HOOK! But I'm not sure if I have ever taken the time to explain my mom to you all. I think I will do that now. Let's just say we are polar opposites on many levels. She's an old school diva who likes to spend her time getting manicures and pedicures, wearing jewelry and furs, and strutting down the street, while I'm what you might call a funky diva because I love my natural looks and I wear them well and with pride, I prefer clothes that are funky yet comfortable, and I'm not sure if I strut down the street, but I walk with confidence. Okay, so to my shopping experience:

We arrived to my store of choice and low and behold there was a sale!!! So when I first saw the sign I was like, "yay! 70% off!!" But when I stepped in...oh the fashion SUCKED!!!! My mom came in after me and she noticed the frown on my face, which I tend to have if I'm thinking or upset. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I wasn't interested in what was there. She asked me to look again. I guess she saw some things there that she wanted me to be in...but she knows better than to try and push them on me because the more she (or anyone) pushes, the more I resist. So I looked around the store once again and picked out some undergarments and fabrics that I felt would make a cool headband. What a waste! Free money and nothing to spend it on. Also while going through the store, I realized that I already have a lot of clothes, so that turned off my desire to shop completely. I have this thing about not buying things until I need them. So there we are, standing at the register...here is a bit of our dialogue:

Mom: I don't know why you couldn't find anything in the store that you liked.

Me: I don't know, I'm just not feeling it here. I got some things, thanks for buying them for me.

Mom: I don't know why I'm spending money on possible headbands for you...

Me: Because you love me. (smiles)

Mom: Right (laughs)

Me: Hey! Have you noticed my birkenstocks? I'm breaking them in.

Mom: Oh?

If you could have only seen her face. Trust me, she died a little inside. She admitted it i the car. She also admitted to me that she wears lipstick to bed, which made me die a little inside. I mean here she is making sure that her lips stay red before she goes to sleep and the only thing I like to do is brush my teeth and wash my face. The only thing I want on my body when I sleep is the covers and every now and then a eye mask if I need to sleep in the morning, but that's it.

From there we went food shopping. Food shopping with my mom is SOOO annoying! She's the type who is satisfied with chicken and popcorn whereas I'm usually in the health food section checking out the soy products and veggies. Growing up I had to deal with frozen broccoli which she cooked until they were mushy along with spices. (gagging) That's why now, if I'm having broccoli, it's raw and there might be some dressing on the side for me to dip but chances are it's plain.

Shopping is so bad with my mom. she is no longer allowed to follow me up and down the aisles because I got sick and tired of hearing her mouth. "Oh so you eat sushi?" "Why are you buying that?" "I'm telling you, you have expensive taste." "Why can you just get the other stuff over there?" "Oh you're allergic to that? Since when?" "SINCE the day you gave it to me mom and my tongue and throat swelled up! Now please, go away!" That's all I end up saying to her. My mom and I are different in many ways, but the way we debate is the funniest thing in the world. The majority of our debates end up with me saying, "oh just SHUT IT!" In a respectful manner of course. But this upcoming dialogue is the funniest thing in the world to me because not only were we going at it, but we also had an audience. I always feel sorry for the person who has to interact with her and you will see why.

To set up the scene, we are now going through the check out line:

(My mom walks down the aisle and pushes the cart towards the bagger. I walk behind her and stand at the end with the bagger)

Mom: (to the bagger in a gruff voice) I want double plastic. (to me) Goodness your food is expensive! You get on my nerves!

Me: (laughing) Whatever mom.

Mom: (to the bagger who is obviously using two plastic bags) I said TWO plastic bags!

Me: Mom, he is using two plastic bags! Leave the man alone. Let him do his job. (to the bagger) Sorry, my mom is a little bossy, but she's my mom, so I win. (the bagger laughs and gives me a "help me" look)

Mom: Well I was just making sure!

I can't remember the rest of the conversation from here. All I remember is she started to get playfully dramatic and so I joined her. I remember saying out loud, "Oh SHUT IT! You aren't helping our race out acting like this in public!" She laughed. People were looking at us not sure if they should laugh or be completely mortified. As we got outside of the supermarket she started to die down. I turned to her and said, "Thanks, of course you can act up in there! You don't live in this area. I'm the only one who has to come back here!" She laughs as usual and begins to rag on my birkenstocks. "Who wears birkenstocks!" She says. "When you showed me those shoes I was like, 'Dear God no!' And they are expensive!" "Oh yes, please let me go through your closet and pull out your shoes please! You're just mad because they aren't fashionable according to you." There was some comments made about blacks and birkenstocks and people's sexual orientation and birkenstocks, but I will not mention them here...sheesh.

I swear my mom is a beautiful person. If you met her you would fall in love with her immediately. It's just that when you put the two of us together and we are both in a playful dramatic mood, then you either have some great entertainment or you have some very uncomfortable moments. I think that's both of our favorite parts, shocking people. Kinda like one day when we were shopping. I was 13 at the time and I was pushing the cart. She was looking at some milk and I was kinda hyper at the time, so she turned from the milk and said to me, "Stop moving that cart," in a stern voice. The sound of her voice made me stop dead in my tracks, but it also made an employee, who was trying to remove another cart stop dead in his tracks and say, "huh?" My mom and I looked at him, laughed in his face, and walked away. Poor guy...

Oh well, I think I will end this blog here. I'm not sure if this is another long one. I'll find out when I press the publish post button...

All right darling readers until next time!

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!

Sorry, but based on your application...

Dating Resumes

How much easier would life be if before you dated someone you had to exchange resumes? I mean, we do it for jobs...You hand your resume to a boss and together you both decide if the job is something you want and if you are the type of employee that they want. Why can't we do this for dating? A friend of mine even suggested that there should be a carfax for dating...That would be SO cool! I think I would date a bit more if that were the case. I mean, picture this scenario:

You meet a hot guy, in my case, someone who is musically and artistically inclined and you both exchange resumes. After viewing each other resumes, you set up an interview process. My process would have two rounds. The first round would be with my guy friends and male family members. The second round (if he ever got there) would be with my girl friends and the female members of my family (which would be torture). They would be asked so many questions. For example:

1. Are you on the down low?
2. Are you anyone's baby daddy?
3. How many kids do you have? By how many women?
4. Do you go to church? What was last weeks' sermon about? What's your favorite Bible verse? Recite it for us.
5. Do you have mental illness in your family?
6. What is your father's last name? Your mothers? (Thanks to my absent father, this question would be an important one because I don't want to give birth to kids with 3 heads and one finger on each hand. Though that wouldn't be necessary if I'm dating someone of a different race.)

And so on...

I know this whole process sounds weird, but in previous relationships, when I caught the guy that I was dating in a lie, he would ALWAYS respond, "But you didn't ask." I'm not talking about one guy either. This way, I could respond to him, "Yes I did!" A lot of people end up dating someone who starts of one way and ends up another way in the middle of the relationship. My way would prevent that because your friends and family only want the best for you so they would work hard to make sure that you received that.

Finally...Each resume would have to come with 5 references (their exes). Sure they would put the ones that they still have a amicable relationship with, BUT even those exes will have stories that could help shed some light on your potential date or even life mate. Now if the person only dated 1 person, he or she could use friends and family has references.

I don't know about you all...But this sounds good! Even if it is 6:12 am on Sunday and I still haven't slept a wink yet...I think my plan could work. Yes, it is time consuming, but at least you can enter into the relationship with a clear head, a sound mind, and knowing exactly what you are getting yourself into. No more psycho chicas/chicos. No more abusive relationships. No more men who are dating you while they have a girlfriend who is 8 months pregnant with their baby! Yea...That really happened to me...jackass. Anywhoo...No more of that! *sigh*

So who's down? LOL

Until then lovely readers!

Love, Peace and Hair Grease


P.S. 30 Days is a show where Morgan Spurlock shows people living in an environment that is completely different from their normal habitat. For example, he took two people out of the state of New York who were very wasteful when it came to energy and had them live in a comune where everything was solar powered and simplistic. It's a good show that encourages thinking...I suggest that everyone should check it out. The first show is June 26th on FX.

Migraine...

SO I got the dreaded headache. I'm talking I can't stand to be in the light, my stomach is feeling nauseous, every little sound annoys me, and all I want to do is sleep but I can't, MIGRAINE. This one started out SO weird. I was on my way out of the door. I got extremely light-headed so I told my roommate that I was going to go downstairs and lie down...next thing you know it...it's 2 hours later and I wake up in pain...but oh well...I'll deal, this isn't what I want to talk about. I've got some odd thoughts on my mind that I need to get out so I can sleep this crap away...

Thought number 1:

Is anyone else happy that 30 Days is going to be on soon? I love Morgan Spurlock and if anyone is interested in a show that will make you think...check it out! I can't wait! I'm excited!!!

Thought number 2:

Why is it that people who normally don't contact you pick the time when you don't want to talk or being around human beings to call you? Is it fate? Someone playing jokes here?

Thought number 3:

Baby oil and a spatula could be a DANGEROUS weapon if in the right hands.

Thought number 4:

No one seems to be answering my q-tip question, I guess it's time for me to start polling people myself.

Thought number 5:

I think I'm going to cut and paste an email that I sent to my friends about my insane thoughts. I think I'll do it now...and this will end my post for tonight..it's almost 2 am and my mind is empty of odd thoughts. Time to focus on the migraine.

If this doesn't make sense, ignore it...I know I will...lol.

Here is the copy of the email. Enjoy!!!!!
----------------------------------------------

Hey Family, Friends, Lovers, and the rest of y'all,
:-)

How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was fine. I hope
that yours was good also.

In order for me to fight the infamous "Colored
People's Disease" I came up with about 75 thoughts(or
ramblings), but I'm only sending 55, that I tend to
think about or question.
(*NOTE: If you don't know what "Colored People's
Disease is...ask the person next to you...if they
don't know ask me)

Why would I send these out?

Well, some of you will get a kick out of most of them.
Some of you will shake your head and say, "only Max."
Others might become inspired to make their own lists.
You know who you are and which category you fit into.
So happy reading. And as always please feel free to
tell me what you think. :-) Just don't become
offended. IF you feel offense tapping you on your
shoulder...remember...Max doesn't mean it that way.

The Ramblings of Ms. Maxine

1. Where does lint go once you pick it off?

2. Picture this: You're walking down a dark street
and a car with tinted windows drives up on you. A
person, in disguise gets out and smacks you with a
pillow...jumps back into the car and drives off. What
do you do?

3. If Christmas is JESUS's b-day and HE's not here to
receive HIS gifts directly...why doesn't everyone give
HIS gifts to the homeless?

4. For a county that trusts in GOD so much I never
seen so many people scared to fly.

5. Why isn't it ok for a parent to spank their kids
when they did something wrong, but it's ok for the
police to go around beating people? If most criminals
were spanked...chances are they would be different.

6. Since women are shaving off their eyebrows and
drawing them back in...is the next phase to shave off
their hair and draw it back in?

7. Can the Flo-BE work on an afro? And if not, why
hasn't an Afro Flo-Be been invented?!

8. Is it me or does all R&B say the same things but
with different wording?

9. What is the purpose of weave? EVERYONE knows it's
fake! And what about the poor horse? It can't swat
flies off it's back anymore.

10. Can a 19 year old wear depends?

11. People get upset when they hear about another
culture that eats cats and dogs, but how does a
person, with a pet chicken, feel when they see you
sucking on a chicken bone?

12. A friend once told me that she loves to eat hogs
head cheese and pigs feet, but when asked if she would
eat escargot...she exclaimed, "No!" But wait...pigs
use the bathroom in their pens and then walk around,
sleep, and chill in it ALL day!

13. How can you really "tell someone off?" And what
goes off once you're finished?

14. Why do we call unidentified bodies "John Doe?"
Was it originally a John Doe who donated his name?

15. My mother tells me to never baby, a man or pump
up his ego or do everything for him. Yet I see her,
my aunt and female cousins doing all of that for my
brother....EVERYDAY. hmm...

16. Do I really are about Justin and Britney?

17. Can a mute person make a booty call?

18. Who determines what is crazy? Wouldn't you have
to be crazy in order to spot the signs?

19. Why doesn't white and off-white match? Who made
up that rule? Isn't that discrimination?

20. Why are some of the most militant anti-white
blacks married to white people?

21. Everyone makes a big deal about Michael Jackson
and his skin color. If he did change his skin color
then why are you shaking your head while going to the
tanning salon for the 3rd time this week?

22. Why can't I marry myself so I can keep all the gifts?

23. Is it wrong that I want to take all the cute gay
men and turn them straight by shooting them with my
sex change gun? And then take all the ugly men and
turn them gay?

24. Why did LL Cool J want a girl with extensions in her
hair, bamboo earing at least two pair? Does he know
something we don't?

25. If you went to a wedding and the first dance the
bride and groom does is the electric slice what would
you think?

26. How come you hardly see black folks in Disney
movies? Was there ever a black star in Disney movies?

27. Who came up with the word pun and why?

28. Does being PC all the time bother anyone else?

29. If Tiger changed golf, and Arthur, Venus, and
Serena changed tennis...where the heck is the black
Martha Stewart? And would she teach us how to use
ghetto items to decorate our homes?

30. If a tree fell in the woods and no one was
there....WHY WOULD I CARE?!

31. How come Ed McMann/Publish Clearing House never
goes to the hood to give people money?

32. Why would a person steal a Bible? Aren't they
defeating the purpose of having one?

33. What's the worst? Someone sneezing in the salad
bar and you don't know or someone sneezing on the
sneeze guard and you seeing that? And are sneeze
guards accomondating to people under 5 feet tall?

34. What is the purpose of talking to yourself if you
don't answer?

35. Is is still indecent exposure if I walk naked in
a neighborhood filled with blind people?

36. Mimes...why?

37. Bring back school spankings....PLEASE!

38. Adults should get spankings too...

39. If someone with bad body odor sits next to
someone with bad breath...don't you t think it's funny
that they would notice each other's funk?

40. Sometime I miss my imaginary adopted sister,
Jennifer. I would write her imaginary letters, but I
don't know her imaginary address.

41. What ever happened to Michael Bolton?

42. Why should I feel upset that a transvestite is
more feminine than me? Like vegetarian meat, they
have to work 10 times as hard to try to be like that
real thing...but they can never be...even after an
operation.

43. If Martin and Malcolm lived...what would they
think of the jheri curl?

44. A moment of silence for the great old skool
bands, like the Gap Band who is now reduced to singing
in commercials about bottled water.

45. If I found Michael Jackson's nose...do I get an
award?

46. Why do most people hide behind their color when
the issue of rhythm comes up? JUST TRY WHITE
PEOPLE!!!

47. Since there are no toilets for insects...and they
have to go somewhere...is it safe to say that
sometimes it isn't random rain drops you're feeling?

48. I want to kidnap Carrot Top and beat him with a
pillow case filled with door knobs...anyone want to
come? I'm forming a posse.

49. I like saying Platypus...how about you?

50. Can something really smell like "open ass?" And if so can you close it?

51. Why do people with roaches always place the blame
on their neighbors?

52. Now that Clinton is in Harlem, is he down with
the swirl?

53. What is the purpose of cotton candy? Except to
make children bounce off the walls?

54. I've heard "America love it or leave it!" And I
wonder was that slogan used in England when the
Pilgrims made their journeys?

55. Is it strange that I've never seen a Native
American up close?

I hope you enjoyed it! I did when I read through it again...

All right readers...it's time to take down the migraine...


Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!