Why am I up? Sometimes you go through things that make you numb at the end. So here I am, clenched jaw, confused emotions, tears in my eyes. I'm angry, I'm PISSED...I've dropped a few f-bombs without guilt...
You claim that you trusted me
But why can't you see what I see?
You brought me close to help your dream
Yet you force me to swim up stream
Makin' it difficult for me to assist
Whackin' me on the head so I won't persist
Perfection isn't my motto it's not what I am
But I'm tryin' give me a break...DAMN!
Tell me how you want things done and ran
Any type of hint would make life grand
Responses to my actions make me feel dumb
And instead of feeling okay, I feel numb
Your commands go against all that's right
When all I'm doing is tryin' to help the site
My funky existence has dropped to hell
My arteries have hardened like on sickle cell
Instead of sleepin' I stay up and think
These situations have put my nerves on the brink
To the point where I wonder if it's smart
To stick around and to finish what I start
Smile nice, purty and follow your mission
And before I make a move ask for permission
It once called to me and now it gives pain
If you wondered why, this should have explained
Now I can sleep. This is the first poem that I have written in a long LONG time...
It bothers me that it was because I was upset. Oh well...
We don't chose when we make art sometimes...It pulls us over and says, "DO THIS NOW!"
...Bye.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
2:00 am
It's 2 am and uh, I'm still up. Well, this isn't new for me. I usually have to force myself to go to bed at a decent time (1 am) but tonight I decided to let myself to go 2 am. (Last night I went until 3 am but yea, I paid the price for that). I'm writing now because for some reason I finally feel free. This entire day I was sorta in a funk, a deep funk that I couldn't break. The funky also came with extreme tiredness and the "I don't give a care" emotions. Now, I feel like I do care. I'm smiling. My mind is clear...
Only for me to go to bed again...
You know what? I miss this blog. I don't miss it because folks read it, no, it's not like that. I miss it because it was my way to get out my thoughts. To put it in a place where I can read back on it and if necessary, use it to make a friend smile. Yes there are diaries and I have about 5 of them, but I share those things with no one...Although I did tell my boyfriend that one day I'll let him read it but I'm not sure if he would want to do so...
I don't care how much people say that they want to know the truth, there are still somethings that we are better not knowing...
EVER.
You aren't lying...You aren't protecting them...
You just don't need to open up that box.
The weird part is, lately the people who I have grown up with are contacting me on Facebook, something I joined because my friend Mark, who's an opera singer, uploads new videos of himself there and I need to be on there so I can have access to them. People from the town of Lynnfield, where I bused to school. (A little history, Massachusetts has a busing program called METCO. METCO took inner-city kids and bused them to the suburbs so while I had a city upbringing, there's a part of me that craves nature...And I think it has to deal with the fact that Lynnfield was surrounded by it. lol)
Anyways, I kept in contact with 1 or 2 people from Lynnfield because while growing up I often stayed over their houses so their family became my family. I still remember Ida's mom, Pixie, looking at the both of us when we were seniors. She had tears in her eyes and she said, "My girls have grown up." She knew me ever since I was in the 2nd grade...Of course I was her child. She was like my 2nd mother...Heck I was lucky! So many kids didn't even have 1 and here I was with 2! My other friend is now going through some hard times. We talk every few years to catch up. She's in NY now, but recently, I found out that her father was dying which to me is HARD to fathom! I remember him being strong. He was a runner. The image that I see of him was that of a physically fit athlete. Her parents were cool too! Very smart! Her brother was a bit nerdy, but I thought he was the coolest guy in the world! If you know me, I think intelligence is awesome and I often cherish that over anything else like looks, charm, money, materialistic things.
Those are the two that I've kept in touch with the most. There are some that I run into every now and then but it hasn't been anything hardcore. When you think about it, when college breaks came, they went home to Lynnfield and met up with each other. I went to Boston and hung out with my Boston friends and all of my college friends who also lived in Boston. The result of that was I grew closer to my group of college friends. Some of them are like my family and 3 of them have helped me through some pretty serious times. Those times when I forgot who I was and did things that make me smack my forehead with my hand. Not sexual things...You perverts...But other things. lol
I guess I'm writing this because now that my funk has cleared I realized something...
I don't regret staying in touch with all of my Lynnfield people. You would think that I would be sad, but no. I don't regret not going to the prom. These are the things that people are told they will regret for the rest of their lives and I don't. I've managed to put them out of my mind and that's okay. lol I don't understand how a prom can make or break your entire existence. I also don't understand people who carry grudges against those who did them wrong in high school. That's the past, you should be a different person. My boyfriend and I had two different lives back then, but somehow I think that if we went to the same school we would have ended up together. He was the geek. lol I was the outgoing tomboy. He claims that all geeks like tomboys. I always had crushes on intelligent guys. I never thought twice about the captain of the football team or anything like that. Heck most of our Football players were tiny compared to the Football players that were at my friends' high schools. Sheesh! Their Football players could eat the ones at Lynnfield for dinner...And still have room for their football helmets...For dessert, duh! lol
Whenever I receive a notice that someone new has added me to their friend's list, I look at the name and I'm confused for a while (not everyone, there are some that I do remember. lol), then I look at their page and I get a shot of nostalgia for a second or two. Then I move on.
You may ask:
"What about reunions?"
I don't do reunions...Once something is over, it's over. I miss it for a little bit and then I move on. I bet that sounds heartless, but that's how some people are and I'm one of them. I live everything to the fullest, without regrets, and then I move on. I don't have the urge to visit anything or go to any reunions, it's like having a meal in front of you. It's filled with different foods. They are all tantalizing! Instead of filling up on one or two food and then wishing that I tried the other ones, I take a small bite from everything, savoring each bite...Letting it roll over my tongue so each of my taste buds are given a turn to experience a different side...
Then, I walk away. I don't need anymore. I've tried everything and now my senses tell my cravings that they have been fulfilled. It's nothing against the food because it was yummy food, but I'm just done with it.
That's how I feel about high school and those memories. Well elementary - high school because I started in the 2nd grade. In each of my adventures, I learn a lot about myself and then I take a few people with me, in my heart, when it comes time to leave.
It doesn't make me heartless...
It makes me, ME! :)
Okay it's almost 2:30 am. I need sleep.
Faithful Five...(do you all still read that or are you all slackers?) *bows head*
Slackers...*sticks out tongue*
Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!
P.S. I'm too tired to edit this...I will one day. lol
G'night!
Only for me to go to bed again...
You know what? I miss this blog. I don't miss it because folks read it, no, it's not like that. I miss it because it was my way to get out my thoughts. To put it in a place where I can read back on it and if necessary, use it to make a friend smile. Yes there are diaries and I have about 5 of them, but I share those things with no one...Although I did tell my boyfriend that one day I'll let him read it but I'm not sure if he would want to do so...
I don't care how much people say that they want to know the truth, there are still somethings that we are better not knowing...
EVER.
You aren't lying...You aren't protecting them...
You just don't need to open up that box.
The weird part is, lately the people who I have grown up with are contacting me on Facebook, something I joined because my friend Mark, who's an opera singer, uploads new videos of himself there and I need to be on there so I can have access to them. People from the town of Lynnfield, where I bused to school. (A little history, Massachusetts has a busing program called METCO. METCO took inner-city kids and bused them to the suburbs so while I had a city upbringing, there's a part of me that craves nature...And I think it has to deal with the fact that Lynnfield was surrounded by it. lol)
Anyways, I kept in contact with 1 or 2 people from Lynnfield because while growing up I often stayed over their houses so their family became my family. I still remember Ida's mom, Pixie, looking at the both of us when we were seniors. She had tears in her eyes and she said, "My girls have grown up." She knew me ever since I was in the 2nd grade...Of course I was her child. She was like my 2nd mother...Heck I was lucky! So many kids didn't even have 1 and here I was with 2! My other friend is now going through some hard times. We talk every few years to catch up. She's in NY now, but recently, I found out that her father was dying which to me is HARD to fathom! I remember him being strong. He was a runner. The image that I see of him was that of a physically fit athlete. Her parents were cool too! Very smart! Her brother was a bit nerdy, but I thought he was the coolest guy in the world! If you know me, I think intelligence is awesome and I often cherish that over anything else like looks, charm, money, materialistic things.
Those are the two that I've kept in touch with the most. There are some that I run into every now and then but it hasn't been anything hardcore. When you think about it, when college breaks came, they went home to Lynnfield and met up with each other. I went to Boston and hung out with my Boston friends and all of my college friends who also lived in Boston. The result of that was I grew closer to my group of college friends. Some of them are like my family and 3 of them have helped me through some pretty serious times. Those times when I forgot who I was and did things that make me smack my forehead with my hand. Not sexual things...You perverts...But other things. lol
I guess I'm writing this because now that my funk has cleared I realized something...
I don't regret staying in touch with all of my Lynnfield people. You would think that I would be sad, but no. I don't regret not going to the prom. These are the things that people are told they will regret for the rest of their lives and I don't. I've managed to put them out of my mind and that's okay. lol I don't understand how a prom can make or break your entire existence. I also don't understand people who carry grudges against those who did them wrong in high school. That's the past, you should be a different person. My boyfriend and I had two different lives back then, but somehow I think that if we went to the same school we would have ended up together. He was the geek. lol I was the outgoing tomboy. He claims that all geeks like tomboys. I always had crushes on intelligent guys. I never thought twice about the captain of the football team or anything like that. Heck most of our Football players were tiny compared to the Football players that were at my friends' high schools. Sheesh! Their Football players could eat the ones at Lynnfield for dinner...And still have room for their football helmets...For dessert, duh! lol
Whenever I receive a notice that someone new has added me to their friend's list, I look at the name and I'm confused for a while (not everyone, there are some that I do remember. lol), then I look at their page and I get a shot of nostalgia for a second or two. Then I move on.
You may ask:
"What about reunions?"
I don't do reunions...Once something is over, it's over. I miss it for a little bit and then I move on. I bet that sounds heartless, but that's how some people are and I'm one of them. I live everything to the fullest, without regrets, and then I move on. I don't have the urge to visit anything or go to any reunions, it's like having a meal in front of you. It's filled with different foods. They are all tantalizing! Instead of filling up on one or two food and then wishing that I tried the other ones, I take a small bite from everything, savoring each bite...Letting it roll over my tongue so each of my taste buds are given a turn to experience a different side...
Then, I walk away. I don't need anymore. I've tried everything and now my senses tell my cravings that they have been fulfilled. It's nothing against the food because it was yummy food, but I'm just done with it.
That's how I feel about high school and those memories. Well elementary - high school because I started in the 2nd grade. In each of my adventures, I learn a lot about myself and then I take a few people with me, in my heart, when it comes time to leave.
It doesn't make me heartless...
It makes me, ME! :)
Okay it's almost 2:30 am. I need sleep.
Faithful Five...(do you all still read that or are you all slackers?) *bows head*
Slackers...*sticks out tongue*
Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!
P.S. I'm too tired to edit this...I will one day. lol
G'night!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Am I?
People look at me and they think they see all that's me. The funny part is, like everyone else, when I start to explain things...They are shocked. The more I'm comfortable with you, the more you get to see, including the darker parts that I choose to forget. Heck, I often surprise myself when I relive those stories. Why am I bringing this up? Tonight I revealed a story to my boyfriend, Scott. I basically had him speechless and I KNOW we're going to be talking about this for a week because he was in shock. lol He's a good guy, he's been a good guy for a long time. Me? Well, I'm generally a good girl, but there was a time when I forgot my conscious...Or at least ignored it. A lot of things can happen when you ignore that little voice telling you right from wrong. I'm not proud of it, but you know what? It's part of me. It makes me who I am right now. And now, I wouldn't dare do what I used to do.
What did I do?
Well...
It's a secret!
You don't know me like that! *winks*
What is a good person? Is a good person someone who always does right? Or is a good person someone who does bad from time to tome but then finds their way back to the right side with a little help from the deity of their choice?
My past isn't pure...Neither is my present but then again, I'm not going to announce things either. That's just me...
Until next time Faithful Five and the rest of you slackers!
Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!
What did I do?
Well...
It's a secret!
You don't know me like that! *winks*
What is a good person? Is a good person someone who always does right? Or is a good person someone who does bad from time to tome but then finds their way back to the right side with a little help from the deity of their choice?
My past isn't pure...Neither is my present but then again, I'm not going to announce things either. That's just me...
Until next time Faithful Five and the rest of you slackers!
Love, Peace, and Hair Grease!
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